Monday, December 29

12/29 Eyebrows has a Ladyfriend

It was a crazy busy Monday! I delivered to a house on an unmarked dirt road with no house numbers which was an adventure especially since my car is not designed for off-roading. I also delivered to a house whose burglar warning system consisted of a sign next to the door that said, "We don't call 911!" and had a gun (I don't know if it was a toy or not) hanging from it. For all of you not in Texas, we have a shoot-first-ask-questions-later law about shooting intruders, or intruders at your neighbor's house, or strangers on your property.

Meanwhile back at the store:
There has been this quasi-mongoloid chick hanging out at the store for the last couple of days. Before anyone gets offended by my description I will preface by saying that I don't mean this in a demeaning way but simply as a descriptor of both her physical appearance and her behavior. I first noticed her Saturday after my shift when I came to pick up my cheesesticks and I was waiting in the lobby and she was sitting there eating a burger. I thought, "Why eat a burger in the middle of a pizza place?" And then she started talking to me about where she got the burger and I was racking my brain to figure out if I knew her and why she was talking to me. She was there again tonight and I finally asked who she was and it turns out that she is Eyebrows' girlfriend. It still doesn't entirely explain why she's hanging out all the time, but God bless her for taking him off the market. As weird as she is and as much as I avoid being up front where she might talk to me about random shit, she is doing a service to humanity and for that I will tolerate her.

12/28 A Picturesque House

Last night was fairly slow. I delivered to a house just past the town cemetery that had an absolutely picturesque approach. Their drive was lined with trees in a nice neat row. The way the headlights hit was beautiful. I wished I had a camera to capture it. The house was an old-style farm house with a big black lab lounging on the porch swing.

Sunday, December 28

Sorority Ninja Pizza Girls

I don't know how else to intro this...

A short film about spies who pose as Sorority Pizza Girls to track down the bad guy done in the style of the plot bits of a porno with all of the suggestive phrases deliberately dubbed over with funny randomness.  I didn't stop laughing the entire time.

Enjoy the trailer:

12/28 Don't Call me "Man"

My worst (and therefore most interesting) delivery yesterday was to a tattooed gentlemen who only had $50s and $100s and expected me to have change.  After politely telling him that I only carry 20 in change and that his two options were to give me the money and I'll bring him back change or to phone in a credit card he decided to phone in the card.  ManWhore manager was on duty and at first things went exactly as I expected.  I'm standing quietly on the front porch during the whole thing and suddenly the conversation takes a whole different tone.  I guess ManWhore manager hit a wrong key when entering the number and the guy had to repeat it and it was still declined and at some point ManWhore manager called him "man" and the guy very angrily said, "Don't call me man.  I am sir.  I'm in public relations and you will call me sir" and hung up.  I didn't know quite how to react because I didn't know if he was going to shoot the messenger (I've found that if there is ever a problem people are happy to blame the driver regardless of the source).  Then he had me go back to the store with his 50 for change.  He did tip me $5, so I'm not complaining, the whole thing was just pretty awkward.

Friday, December 26

12/26 Never Ever Go In Someone's House

Last week I broke one of my cardinal rules of pizza delivery for a little old lady, tonight I was glad that I have that rule.  I went to a house where at least to me it seemed like an obvious lure to trap me and do God knows what.  Here are the facts and you can decide for yourself if I was in any danger.

Got to the door and a rough looking man opens it and invites me in telling me to just put the pizza on the table.
The money is laying on his dining room table.
I politely decline to come in.
He asks me the total.
I tell him.
He asks me to repeat the total and I repeat it.
He tells me to get the pizza out as he walks to the dining room table to get the money (maybe 5 feet away).
The whole time he's acting really weird, like he's disappointed that I won't come in.

At least he gave me a decent tip and reinforced my rule that no matter how nice or innocuous seeming someone is (and he definitely wasn't my definition of innocuous), never, ever go in someone's house (unless they are absolutely alone, have a broken arm, and call you mamushka).

Wednesday, December 24

Christmas Eve

Merry Christmas everybody. Even though I'm a scrooge I still hope that everyone else has a happy holidays. I only took two orders tonight. One was to the house with the enormously fat chihuahua. Last time they gave me an exact change check but this time the husband paid so I actually got a tip. They always order double bacon. The second house was quarantined for Whooping Cough. Luckily I'm vaccinated, but I am happy that it wasn't anything like viral meningitis.

Tuesday, December 23

Psst, wanna know a secret?

I was a bad PizzaGirl last night. I called in for the first time to take advantage of some much needed fun. I told them I was working late at my other job. I hope they were horribly understaffed as karmic payment for only having 5 drivers last Saturday.

Sunday, December 21

Friday, Saturday, Sunday, rinse and repeat

I've once again been a bad blogger.  Due to some personal issues I just haven't been particularly motivated, so here's some highlights.

Friday:  It was very windy.  I love the way that when the wind blows inflatable Christmas decorations dance, and sometimes dance with each other, and sometimes just look like they're doing each other.

Saturday:  I broke my don't-go-in-the-house rule for the first time.  It was a little old lady with a broken arm who had trouble enough signing the receipt and kept calling me Mamushka.  I took the pizza in and put it on the table but she wouldn't let me leave until she had given me a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

Hung out with Stoner Manager and finally got a nickname for the other manager, hereafter known as ManWhore Manager.  Anyone who had sex with a girl in the bathroom of a club deserves to be called ManWhore.

We had three drivers call in so there were only 5 of us to do Saturday night.  I ended up working 11 and a half hours and Stoner Manager ended up making deliveries we were so busy.

Tonight:  StinkyButtFace better hope that I never have nothing to lose because the first thing I'm going to do if that happens is to put my foot to his ass and laundry detergent in his gas tank.

Other Chick Driver won a key battle against Stinky.  Stinky screwed up an order and Other Chick Driver had to take out the replacement pizza and the customers wanted them to split the tip.  Of course Stinky refused but Other Chick Driver stood her ground and El Jefe made it happen.

We have two new drivers, GreaseMonkey (a girl) and DevilEyes, who I think I've managed to get on my side about Stinky.  Maybe the war isn't over yet.

I saw the most amusing and unwittingly raunchy inflatable Christmas decoration ever.  Picture Santa in his sleigh being pulled by flamingos.  The flamingos were pretty close to the sleigh and the wind blew them together and back onto Santa's lap.  So all you see is Santa kicking back in his sleigh, feet stretched out in front of him with flamingos on his lap.  To make it better the flamingos were blown between his legs so that their pink bodies were not really connected to the heads and it just looked like Santa didn't have any pants on and you were looking at his pink butt cheeks.  I took a picture with my cell phone but it isn't cooperating with me trying to get it posted.

Thursday, December 18

12/18 Tee Hee Hee Hee ***bang***

StripperGirl laughs by saying Tee hee hee, like she's trying to be impish and cute but instead just irritates the shit out of me. Somehow last night she appointed herself queen of the make-line. I'm not sure if El Jefe encouraged this or just failed to discourage it. So between drill-seargentesque "Team, let's get those pizza's in the oven" she was tee-hee-ing and I was ready to smack her and yell, "I don't know who told you that was cute, but IT IS NOT! It is annoying, it is not impish, it is not cute." Also, apparently StripperGirl's Caveman did not leave but StinkyButtFace is now avoiding him because of the danger of beatdown (Caveman's assertion, not mine). I wish Stinky was avoiding me. Luckily he had the night off last night.

Last night I...
Drove 26 miles for 6 deliveries,
Made $15.51 in tips (1.16 , 3.16 , 4 , 3 , 3 , 1.19),
and essentially made $14.14 an hour.

Wednesday, December 17

A Google Search for "Pizza Girl"

I google searched "Pizza Girl" because I have way too much time at my primary job and here are some of the funnier results:

1. A comic with a Pizza Girl Superhero character
I'm super amused because being a lame superhero was the inspiration behind my alias.

2. A craigslist rant from a former pizza girl
She has some good points! I'm always surprised when people invite me in. I'm not interested in getting murdered! Why would any rational person enter the home of a stranger? For all I know they could have a room with a floor drain and lots of saws. Didn't the Texas Chainsaw Massacre happen about 30 miles from where I live?

3. A sexy pizza girl Halloween costume
Hahahahahaha. I don't even know where to start. I bet StripperGirl owns this.

4. A poem about a pizza girl
Have you ever seen the episode of Law and Order where Neil Patrick Harris is a guy who can't get a second date so he abducts some women and lobotomizes them with a drill and boiling water?

Tuesday, December 16

12/15 A case of the Mondays

Last night was our first really cold night. It was busier than normal, yet people were tipping worse than normal. It's as if all of the cheap people in the world decided they wanted pizza, because I swear that I had at least three hand me coins as a tip. One even said, "Here's a little something for you for coming all the way out here in the cold." We had a new manager tonight, I don't know what I'll nickname him yet b/c I haven't really gotten to know him, plus Chick Manager closed so he left halfway through the evening anyway. I ended up working a little later than I meant because Goofball wanted to go home early leaving just me and Eyebrows.

Sunday, December 14

12/14 Bye Bye Bunny

Tonight I ran over a bunny. It is the first time I have ever killed something with my car. I have composed a poem in honor of the nameless bunny.

Ode to a Nameless Bunny

You would think
that God or evolution
would teach you
to look both ways.

You would think that
your greatest predator
would be alive.

I think and hope
that you did not suffer
and that wherever your soul is
there is plenty of grass
and no suburbs.

Tonight I...
Drove 25 miles for 5 deliveries,
Made $19.28 in tips (6.28 , 4 , 2 , 3 , 4),
and essentially made $17.35 an hour.

12/13 Long day

Had a long, longer than 9 hour, day today. It actually didn't seem that long until the end when it was an hour past my time to go home and El Jefe scolds me for not keeping up with the dishes. Admittedly, I deserved it, but in my defense I didn't know that it is the day drivers job to do dishes. Also, he knows and I know that Stinky won't do dishes. After I got done doing my "fair share" (Jefe's words) he cashed me out and ordered Stinky back to do some. Of course, Stinky got his hands wet and then less than a minute later was back at the driver's station. I was pretty mad, but my new policy of letting things roll off of me prevents me from saying anything at work. Stinky can dig his own holes, I don't need to dig along with him. I have faith that one day Jefe is going to work the Saturday day shift and notice that I do all of the work and that Stinky does nothing but prep. Granted, he is really good at prep, but there's only so much prep that needs to be done. Eventually, boxes will need to be folded, dishes will need to be done, things will need to be cleaned. I'd also like to add that StripperGirl's Caveman quit (or transferred. I'm not going to bother to get the details) over Stinky. I did spend Thursday evening trying to convince StripperGirl that if she was going to mess with Stinky (which I don't necessarily oppose, I just don't want to know about it or be involved) she needed to figure out how to not do permanent or costly damage (and possibly how not to go to jail).

It is now really late and I should go to bed. I'm finally unwound. It only took a Smirnoff, four hours, two episodes of Private Practice, and one of Gray's Anatomy (in which I'm pretty sure that the writers were standing around in the prop closet looking for ideas and stumbled upon a giant fan and racked their brains to come up with some way to write it into the storyline in the most ridiculous way possible) (also, I'm pretty sure that the acting is getting worse, if possible).

Tonight I...
Drove 99 miles for 14 deliveries,
Made $33.65 in tips (2 , 2.23 , 1 , 2.16 , 3 , 1.34 , 1.95 , 5 , 0 , 0 , 2.97 , 5 , 2 , 5 , 0),
and essentially made $10.42 an hour.

Saturday, December 13

I've been bad blogger this week. I worked Monday and can't remember anything that happened. Worked Wednesday an only got one (barely) acceptable tip but Stinky was off so that was nice, but StripperGirl is starting to get on my nerves. She is catty and gossipy. She claims to have this fiance that she loves so much, yet I never see her doing anything but flirting with her ex who works at the store. Thursday I got better tips but Stinky was working. This ignoring him is working a little, but we really haven't had an opportunity to butt heads yet. Guess we'll see what happens this morning. Last night was good. I hit the pizza-groove and happened to be in and out of the store at exactly the right time to pretty much always be on a run. Of course, part of the problem is when we were slow at 7 they started sending everyone home and then we got smashed. I ended up with a quad because of it and two of the four tipped decently.

Wednesday I...
Drove 27 miles for 6 deliveries,
made 10.37 in tips (0 , 3 , 1.02 , 1.10 , 0 , 3.25 , 2),
and essentially made $11.25 an hour.

Thursday I...
Drove 29 miles for 4 deliveries,
made $15.79 in tips (3 , 3 , 4.79 , 5),
and essentially made $12.03 an hour.

Last night I...
Drove 29 miles for 10 deliveries,
made $29.77 in tips (4 , 3.78 , 0 , 1.59 , .65 , 4 , 4 , 3 , 1.15 , 7.60),
and essentially made $16.76 an hour.

Monday, December 8

12/7 Closing and Another Dream

I dreamed last night that I was going into surgery and when they opened me up instead of internal organs I was full of Peppertini peppers.

I closed for the first time last night. I'm pretty good at cleaning, so the time went fast and hanging out with El Jefe wasn't bad. I decided to stay instead of going to Crazy Hippie Pizza Place. Honestly, I think I was just mad when I went and put in other applications. My new strategy is to ignore Stinky completely. I'm going to pretend like he isn't there and let all of his ridiculousness roll off me. If he continues being a butthead he's going to piss off enough other people that I won't have to worry about it.

A sampling of my tip statistics:
I receive about 30% tips $4 or above, 44% tips between $2 and $3.99, and 26% tips below $2.
So far on Wednesdays I only receive about 21% bad tips but on Saturdays I recieve about 28% bad tips.
I've averaged $13.44 an hour over all of my shifts.
**Note: As the number and variety of my shifts increases the validity of my statistics will increase.

Last night I...
Drove 63 miles for 10 delivieries,
Worked 6.75 hours,
Made $29.77 in tips (4.16 , 10 , 2.48 , 2 , 0 , 1.55 , 2.90 , 1.91 , 1.77 , 3),
and essentially made $11.48 an hour.

Sunday, December 7

12/6 A Dream and a Conundrum

Yesterday's shift went well, we were steady but not busy.  I gave notice to my boss but then kind-of took it back, so he's probably confused.  He seemed mad when I told him the reason that I'm leaving is that Stinky is an asshole.  He was probably mad because I said it just like that.

Saw the back of a row of houses reflected perfectly in their little neighborhood drainage pond **cough, cough** I mean private lake.  In that moment, it was one of the prettiest things I've seen lately.

Last night I dreamed that I was a pizza going through the oven over and and over again.

I've accepted a position at Crazy Hippie Pizza Place, but now I'm not so sure, so I've mad a pros and cons list.

Crazy Hippie Pizza Place
  • No StinkyButtFace
  • Higher base pay
  • Slower business, so less stress, more free time
  • Cool new pizza
  • Change
  • Effectively a pay cut because of slower business
  • Free time makes me clean, when I run out of cleaning free time makes me crazy
  • Further away from home
  • Don't really know the delivery area as well
  • Would have to buy my own driving record, MASPSGO, and duplicate SS card (cuz I can't find mine)
Current Pizza Place
  • Busy business keeps me busy, never run out of cleaning
  • Higher pay means less stress about money
  • Already know the delivery area
  • Like (most) of the people there already
  • I'm results driven, so I like it when it's busy and I get to make a bigger impact
  • StinkyButtFace stresses me out, a lot
  • Can be chaotic in a bad way
  • Lower starting rate means that when we're not busy I make less money
I honestly don't know what to do.

I haven't really been writing down my stats this week.  I don't know why.  Mostly because I've been too stressed out to find comfort in the numbers.  Partly because I was using a rental car until yesterday.

Wednesday, December 3

12/3 Sloooooow

Tonight was slow.  Did even bother to write down mileage.  Took 2 deliveries for $3 in tips.  Had fun hanging around the shop with Other Chick Driver, Stoner Manager, Pizza Mama, Malibu Ken, and Happy Bopper.

Interviewed to be a delivery driver at Hippie Pizza even though I had intended to apply at the other Giant Pizza Chain in town.  I'll find out tomorrow if I got the job.  Maybe if I get the job I'll tell Other Chick Driver about this blog.  She might find it amusing.  Maybe not, I tend to be a little meaner when I know that they're not going to read this.  Plus, it's hard to put into perspective changing opinions when you don't document them every time.

Sunday, November 30


Tonight was fairly uneventful, thankfully.  I feel like I was phoning-in.  I tried to keep my head down.  I'm trying to train myself to ignore Stinky, pretend like he's not there.  I'm really not a big believer in the paranormal but I honestly feel like he's stealing my energy.

I met an extremely soft and friendly dog named Moose.

Yesterday I...
Drove 73 miles for 12 deliveries,
Made $34.84 in tips (4 , 5 , 2.63 , 3 , 5 , 2 , 2 , 3.44 , 6 , 0 , .77 , 1)
and essentially made $11.20 an hour.

Tonight I...
Drove 34 miles for 6 deliveries,
Made $20.03 in tips (3 , 4.03 , 0 , 4 , 6 , 3),
and essentially made $14.82 an hour.

Saturday, November 29

11/29/2008 I'm Ready to Cross Enemy Lines

***Warning*** Here it is.  Here is my emotional rant because I can't figure out how else to get out my pent up rage except crying and I refuse to cry over this.  Will contain profanity.

StinkyButtFace makes life at Pizza Place intolerable.  I got this stupid job because I needed the money and pizza delivery seemed like a fun(ish), fast paced, low stress, low responsibility way to make lots of money.  It is.  Except for the low stress part.  I can't help but want to slap that stupid fucking smirk off of his face every time I see him.  I want to poke one of his buggy eyes.  I want to lock him in the walk-in refrigerator and make him apologize for being a complete asshole.  I want to key his fucking $32,000 hybrid that he's always bragging, "I drove to Alaska on half a tank" or some equally ridiculous bullshit.  I want to call all of his deliveries and tell them not to tip him.  Most of all, I just want him to leave.  Work would be fun without him.  We would all get along.  I would have stayed later today like El Jefe needed me to but I couldn't because I needed to get the hell out of that place before I threw something at Stinky.  I wouldn't have forgotten to look up directions to my next delivery.  I wouldn't have had a (very brief) cry in the bathroom.  I wouldn't have gone straight to The Competition Pizza Place right after my shift to pick up an application.  I wouldn't have applied at two bookstores last week.  I need a different job.

Speaking of The Competition, it was surreal when I walked in there to get my app.  It's Saturday night, my store is brightly lit, noisy, people waiting in the lobby, at least 10 employees buzzing around.  The Competition is dark, silent, staffed with three guys two of which are on the phone but somehow being very very quiet.  There is one customer but otherwise it seems like they are very slow.  Or maybe just very understaffed because there were about a thousand stickers yet to be put on boxes.  Maybe they have a different sticker system.  Maybe not, in which case I think I can help them with the understaffed thing.

Where I burned myself:  Tip of my left thumb, trying (unsuccessfully) to catch a cheese sticks from falling.

The bright spot of my day:  Making paper-snowflakes this morning to decorate the store for Christmas.

Tonight I...
Forgot to write down my mileage because I couldn't get out of there fast enough.  If I knew how to peal out, I would have.  If I had more courage (and money) I would have stripped off my polo and hat on my way out the door, flipped them off, and yelled "Peace out."

Friday, November 28

11/28 War Won

The war with StinkyButtFace is unofficially over.  I overheard Stoner Manager telling El Jefe about the ridiculous things that Stinky was doing, so I'm pretty sure that I don't have to worry about making him look a fool, he's doing that on his own.

I delivered to a house that had some sort of elaborate intercom instead of a doorbell.  I seriously thought it was a security system thing and I wasn't about to start pushing buttons, so I just knocked and the first thing they asked was, "Did you ring the doorbell?"  Then I got lost in their neighborhood.

I hope everyone had as happy a Thanksgiving as I did!

Tonight I...
Drove 37 miles for 9 deliveries,
Received $24.88 in tips ( 1.18 , 3 , .16 , 0 , 5 , 5.46 , 3.64 , 3.44 , 3 ), 
and essentially made $13.55 an hour.

Sunday, November 23

11/23 New Day, Same Old StinkyButtFace

I had to give myself time to chill out before coming in and writing my post for today. StinkyButtFace and I threw down once and butted heads at least three other times tonight. First he started checking out other people's orders for them. I got in his face about it and he started shouting and I tried hard not to shout but didn't really succeed. Then twice he tattle-tailed on me. I had a double and one was "Ready" on the board and I was waiting for the second to go into "Ready" status so that I could check them both out, he went and physically got El Jefe and said "She has to check that out, right?" to which I calmly turned around and addressed the manager with a polite, "I will check them both out at the same time in less than a minute." The 2nd time he got Stoner Manager. I guess he figured out that I didn't get in trouble with daddy so he'd try mommy. This was all so childish and stupid. I felt like I was back in high-school because after that I couldn't help but goad him a little bit and talk about him behind his back. Yes, I was that girl. I hate that I was that girl but something about a middle-aged mumbling Indian guy acting like a petulant middle-schooler made me revert to bitchy high-school clique girl mode.

Simple Rules for Not Pissing Off Pizza Girl
1. Don't check out my orders unless you are a manager (knowing a manager's password does not count) or I specifically ask you to, in which case I will tell you my password.
2. a) Trust that I am on top of things unless you have overwhelming evidence to the contrary.
b) If you have overwhelming evidence that I am jerking off in the back instead of paying attention to my runs, a friendly reminder will do.
3. If you have a problem with the way that I am doing things talk to me about it politely. I am fallible. I have never claimed to be otherwise.

On top of all of that for my last run El Jefe asks me to take some peppers out to a house that someone screwed up their order. It was out of my way and when I asked him about mileage reimbursement he told me that I wouldn't be getting any. So I wasted my time, gas, and tip for the actual order (they stiffed me) to take 75 cents worth of peppers to someone else's mess-up. Arghhh!

Perhaps after the new year Pizza Girl should become Bookstore Girl. This blog is what keeps me in this stupid job.

Tonight I...
Drove drove 35 miles for 6 deliveries and a non-delivery,
Made $13.55 in tips (1 , 2 , 2 , 3.44 , 5.11 , 0 , 0),
and essentially made $11.95 an hour.

11/22 Should I Mind My Own Business?

Yesterday was pretty stressful. StinkyButtFace went off on me. He had been gone from the store so long that I seriously thought he had been in a car accident or something. Three orders came up at the same time and they were nowhere near each other. I waited as long as possible to take them, waiting for him to get back, but he didn't, so I took them all. When I got back he comes storming out of the front door, eyes all buggy, and starts yelling at me about how I shouldn't have taken three orders if there was another driver. I tried to calmly explain what happened, but he just kept berating me, so I just walked away and ignored him. Then, later, he went off on Other Chick Driver, when she tried to take the next run up. He apparently had just gotten back from a delivery but had decided that the delivery that he just took and the next delivery up were actually a double and that because it wasn't ready when he took the first order, he got to come back and take the second order without waiting for his turn. I can tell why they kicked him out of his old store!

On the last order of the night I ran into something that has me pretty torn up. I went to the door and I could hear people inside yelling at each other. After I rang the doorbell the yelling escalated. The girl was screaming "Get your f*n hand off of me" and the guy was screaming "I'm gonna f*n kill you." I got spooked and went back to my car and dialed 911. The cops came and it turned out that no one inside got hurt. When I called El Jefe to tell him I was on my way back to the store the first thing he said was, "Did they know it was you that called the cops?" Of course I was completely flabbergasted. Was he really worried about losing a customer over the danger of me walking into a potentially dangerous situation? Honestly I probably wasn't in a whole lot of danger, however what if things hadn't gone so well, what if the pizza wasn't right or I forgot the Parmesan or something? I can definitely see that escalating badly. I'm pretty sure most drivers would have pretended like nothing was happening, so now I'm completely torn about what happened. Should I have called the police?

Some other things I saw that I don't have room to expound on:
A super fat, wheezing chihuahua
A man digging in his underwear for his wallet

Stats for Friday night...
I drove 30 miles for 6 deliveries,
made $24.26 in tips,
and essentially made $15.84 an hour.

Yesterday I...
drove 66 miles for 13 deliveries,
made $31.65 in tips*,
and essentially made $10.98 an hour.

*I'll rant on this another time, but two of my three stiffs yesterday (the third being from the delivery where I called the cops) were from Internet orders where they had either filled in a zero or skipped the field online.

Wednesday, November 19

11/19 What's With All the Tanning Men?

When I think of tanning-salon employees I think of blond co-eds with coral lip gloss and fake-bake's they'll regret when they're 40. When I delivered to a tanning place this evening, vapid girls is not what I found. I found four overly tanned meat-heads. Possibly body builders? Except that they were not muscular. I was super confused.

We got two new drivers tonight, hereby dubbed Eyebrows and Malibu Ken. Eyebrows is creepy looking. I probably won't let myself be in the walk-in alone with him. He has the moist look to him. Malibu Ken is actually really charming, just like you would expect a come-to life Ken-doll to be, so I think we'll get along.

Tonight I...
forgot to write down my mileage before I came into the house, so I'll tack tonight's stat's onto Friday's post.

Saturday, November 15

11/15 New Jefe

Started out today in a bad mood. We have a new boss, hereafter known as El Jefe, and he's exerting his will and hyper-organizedness, which I would normally fully appreciate if I wasn't trying to have as little responsibility at this job as possible. He makes me so frustrated with how efficient and rules-oriented he is because it infects me and I go above-and-beyond my call of duty as a pizza girl. I don't know how to be a slacker.

I delivered to a Scammer that looked like Kimbo Slice + a decade of alcoholism. He ordered a Pepperoni and Sausage and a Ham and Sausage, then after they were delivered (by someone else) called and said he was allergic to ham and wanted a new pizza delivered. So El Jefe, suspecting that it was a scam told him we'd only take it out to him if we got the old pizza back and sent me to deliver the second one. When I got there he said that no one ever told him that he had to give the pizza back and that he gave the "pizza to his mama." Also, his doormat said "GO AWAY."

Stinky Butt Face, formerly known as Indian Jerk (my husband suggested the more appropriate nickname), stole more orders and still stunk. Everyone but him seems to have noticed the horrible aroma, but no one seems willing to offend him by saying anything.

Where I injured myself: Cut on my left middle finger that I didn't find out about until I used the Hand Sanitizer and it started stinging like crazy.

Today I...
Drove 94 miles for 13 deliveries (which is terrible!),
Received $49.29 in tips (2.28 , 3 , 2 , 5 , 5 , 3 , 0 , 2 , 5 , 5 , 5.14 , 4.53 , 7.34),
and essentially made $14.18 an hour.

Thursday, November 13

11/12 Pepper Spray at the Ready

Last night was the first time I ever got my pepper spray ready to use. It was 8:30, I was delivering to a trailer park where the house numbers are impossible to see. I finally spot the house and there's a couple of guys standing outside. One of them runs up the walkway to get his "aunt" who's going to pay. I walk up to stand on the porch as she comes out and the second guy starts following me up the walk. I felt penned in, so I reached into my pocket and pulled my keys out. I put them in my pizza-holding hand, so that the bag concealed them and I was completely ready to throw the pizza at one guy while I pushed the other down the stairs, using the pepper spray if necessary. Luckily nothing like that happened, but it kind of freaked me out anyway.

In completely unrelated weirdness, I delivered to someone I know for the first time. Not a friend, just someone I know. It was a little awkward.

Where I burned myself: No burns, but I did bruise my shins climbing up in a wooden stool trying to get to the fax machine because it is the only phone from which we can dial long distance (I had a customer at the hotel who left an out of area cell phone # and no room #).

Last night I...
Drove 38 miles for 7 deliveries,
Worked 3.5 hours,
Made $18.10 in tips (5 , 2 , 1 , 2 , 3 , 2 , 3.10),
and essentially made $12.50 an hour.

Sunday, November 9

11/9 Thing One and Thing Two Get It On

Tonight was fairly uneventful. La Jefa is already leaving us for another store, Rehab Driver called in so Other Chick Driver got stuck on closing, Indian Jerk's BO was particularly pungent this evening, and Thing One and Thing Two were practically humping on the make line. It wasn't as bad as I make it sound. We spent a lot of time standing around and joking. I have managed to surprise another set of coworkers with my amazing capacity for random vulgarity. Other Chick Driver told me that I look really sweet and so it cracks her up when I talk.

Where I burned myself: Injury free (for at least one night)!

Tonight I...
Drove 21.1 miles for 6 deliveries,
Worked 3 hours,
Received $16.15 in tips ( 3 , 2.04 , 4 , 3.11 , 2 , 2),
and essentially made $13.02 an hour.

11/8 A Real Gift From the Pizza Gods

Yesterday I received a real gift from the pizza gods in the form of a $19.14 tip. I don't think that's a record that'll be broken soon. Nothing extraordinary about the delivery that yielded it, normal house, normal looking guy, two pizzas, $20 and change bill, he hands me $40 and says keep the change. I wasn't going to argue with him.

Then, for my last delivery, I got sent out of area b/c Happy Teenybopper on the phone doesn't really know our delivery area yet. On my way to this super posh country neighborhood I saw a castle and a llama farm. On the way back I decided to throw caution to the wind (also I didn't have a map with me) and try to find my way back via the country roads. It was a pleasant, relaxing, drive. I had no idea where I was going but ended up where I wanted anyway.

We went through forty minutes without so much as a phone call yesterday. We all ended up hanging out back, which was alright except for the smoking.

Where I burned myself: Same finger between the first and second knuckle.

Yesterday I...
Drove 68 miles for 13 deliveries,
worked 7.75 hours,
received $58 in tips (6.15 , 0 , 19.14 , 1.10 , 4.04 , 4 , 4 , 3.36 , 4 , 2.77 , 5 , 1.28 , 3.16),
and essentially made $14.73 an hour.

Thursday, November 6

11/5 Delivery Funk

I started out my night with two non-deliveries. First thing in the door, La Jefa hands me three garlic cups and asks me to take them to some house. Three garlic cups! For free! Delivered! I can't even begin to express how ridiculous this is. Plus there was no way that I was going to get a tip for it. Next, I get a delivery for a home improvement store that shares a parking lot with us. The girl inside had to run to her locker to get more cash and I end up with a .16 tip. Lame! For the rest of the night I seemed to be in some sort of funk. I had a "keep the change" check, an exact change person who gave coins so that I would give her only dollars back and then handed me one of the dollars like it was an amazingly awesome gift from the pizza gods, and a delivery to ___Ct instead of ___Dr that I screwed up on because the house numberings are the same on every street in that neighborhood.

Then, at the end of the night I find out that for some reason they've lowered my mileage from 1.20 an order to 1.10 an order. I plan on talking to La Jefa about it ASAP but I'm not hopeful that it will change. Also, bizarrely La Jefa kept checking my orders out for me. She did this twice. I have no idea why. I always take the next order up (and whatever goes with it), so I don't know why she wouldn't trust me to check out my own orders. Maybe it's not about trust. Either way it is weird and I need to find a way to stop it.

Where I burned myself: Top of middle finger

Last night I...
Drove 38 miles for 10 deliveries,
Recieved $23.76 in tips (0 , .16 , 3 , .16 , 5.79 , 3.20 , 2.13 , 1 , 4.04 , 4.28 ),
and essentially made $15.63 an hour.

Monday, November 3

11/2 A Record Breaking Weekend

This weekend I broke most of my personal records. See my new personal record sidebar.

I'm also getting much closer to having statistically relevant data for which nights of the week I get better tips.

Yesterday Other Chick Driver and myself got stuck doing dishes together (Stoner Manager decided to rearrange the end of night assignments) and we both have young kids, so we have a lot to talk about.  I think we'll be friends.

Last night I...
Drove 44 miles for 12 deliveries,
Averaged 24.3 miles per gallon,
Recieved $37.15 in tips (1.77 , 2 , 4 , 6.16 , 4 , 2 , 2 , 4.51 , 2.28 , 2 , 2.56 , 3.87),
And essentially made $18.06 per hour.

Saturday, November 1

11/1 and the Perfect Storm

This has been the longest day of my pizza delivering career! It was a perfect storm of UT vs. Texas Tech, a basketball game, and Halloween parties which led to a madhouse. At one point there was probably 30 pizzas waiting to be delivered and as 15 people in our (tiny) lobby waiting for their carryout. Words can't express how crazy today was, so I'll let my stats speak for themselves.

I'd like to give a shout-out to the kind people of my town that gave a tip even though delivery times were more than an hour!!!

I would also like to note that Indian Gentleman had some serious BO going on today and luckily he went home about 3.

I had my first complaint that the pizza was early. I think her husband knew she was crazy because he eventually turned around and said, "Uh, honey, isn't that a good thing?" and I gave a silent "Amen!"

Today I...
Worked 10.25 hours,
Drove 119 miles for 27 deliveries,
Received $84.30 in tips ( 3 , 4.68 , 4.85 , 5 , 2 , 6.07 , 2.26 , 2 , 1 , .44 , 5 , 1.5 , 2.05 , 3.78 , 2.28 , 0 , 2 , 5.63 , 5.18 , 1.77 , 3.18 , 8.62 , 2 , 0 , 1.32 , 7.17 , 3.52),
and essentially made $16.44 an hour.

Thursday, October 30

10/29 Stats

I made my first pizza last night. My manager was on the phone with some b*tch that had called to complain and try to get pizza no less than 3 times. Apparently she ordered a pizza and we made it on the wrong crust, so she called back and we re-made the pizza, but not before the manager called her back and verified the whole order with her mother who okayed it. Then, she calls and says that the order is still wrong and wants it remade and redelivered again. Of course my manager says that she won't because she verified the order. The girl declines any courtesy discount on her next pizza because she wants it free. Then, the girl calls back again and from what I could tell, they had the exact same conversation. So, in the mean time, pizzas to be made are backing up and I decide to start making pizzas because somewhere in the mess of complicated charts there must be some clue about the secrets of pizza-making. I can 100% confirm that the charts on the wall hold very little secrets even if you can find the chart that refers to the pizza you happen to be making (that is if you can figure out what you're supposed to be making in the first place from the two letter abbreviations on the computer screen).

I also got to sample our new Six Cheese pizza, which is essentially a regular cheese pizza with some extra seasonings sprinkled on top after it comes out of the oven. The funny thing is that it is actually really delicious. The seasoning adds a citrus-like flavor which doesn't sound good, but is. Of course, I'm not going to pay extra for them to sprinkle some seasoning on top.

When did it not become second nature to wash hands before touching other people's food? I watched a delivery guy who was working the oven poke at the top of a pizza to figure out what toppings were on it. Also, we were running short on pizza makers, so a couple of delivery guys went to help out (I was running out the door with a delivery) and I had to remind both of them to go wash their hands before they touched the food. Also there are constantly pizza makers running to answer the phones and then going right back to making pizza. Gross! I'm so glad that our ovens are hot enough to kill any germs. Now if I could just get the guys to keep their fingers out of the pizza.

Last night I...
Drove 29 miles for 4 deliveries,
Averaged 23.7 miles per gallon,
Received $19.22 in tips ( 4 , 4* , 8.22 , 3),
and essentially made $11.66 an hour.
*I am not including this in my good tip category because it was on a $66 order, making a measly 6% which is unacceptable.

Tuesday, October 28

We Really Are a Decent Bunch

I love little kids so much. Especially ones that want to be a Pizza Delivery Man for Halloween. Here's today's Dear Abbey featuring a really awesome Pizza Dude and an awesome little kid.

Saturday, October 25

10/25 and Betrayed by Indian Gentleman

It only took one day for Indian Gentleman to go from one of my favorite employees (despite the fact that I had to ask him to repeat himself every time, sometimes two or three times because he talks to quietly and with a thick accent) to the top of my sh*t list. This morning we were the only two drivers and there were three orders on the board, two of which were ready, one was not. He assigned himself the first two even though they were not in the same neighborhood (not even on the same side of the freeway) and when I called him on it he didn't apologize, he didn't offer to unasign himself, he just shrugged his shoulders and took them both.

Then, later, we were the only two drivers in the store and there were two on the board. He was up first (though apparently he had been signed in even though he wasn't in the store yet, so I technically got in the store about two minutes before him and he was first up on the board) and his order came up, the 2nd order up was a huge cash order that was time sensitive. He argued with me that he got the 2nd order because he got to the store second. That has never been how dispatch worked! Somehow he decided that today he got to take whichever orders he pleased. I was super pissed, so I abandoned him on the cutting station. All 18 of his pizzas were coming out one after the other, two at a time, and I'm sure he could have used some help getting them boxed and cut, but I was just too busy bagging my two pizzas he stuck me with. I may have also neglected to mention that the road that looks like it goes straight to his destination on the map actually dead ends into a meadow and you have to go a completely different direction from the start to get there. Let's just say, he didn't get the pizzas to the party on time. I hope they stiffed him.

I was so mad after the second incident that I stopped by Sonic for a half price soda so that I could chill a minute and a driver cut me off causing me to slam on my breaks and spill my soda all over my car and a good amount on my pants, all of which would never have happened had I been taking the big order (which would have been ontime if I'd have taken it).

Then, there was another driver and she was first, and her order came up and it was in the same neighborhood as another, so she was going to take both of them until he went crying to the manager that they weren't on the same street so he should get to take one. For some reason, this manager always takes his side, so she let him. Which makes a grand total of 3 deliveries that he stole (that I know of) today and one big *sshole of guy who I used to think was pretty nice.

Today I...
Drove 92 miles for 14 deliveries,
Averaged 25.2 miles per gallon,
Made $28.64 in tips (1 , .85 , 3 , 4 , 0 , 1.54 , 2.92 , 1.74 , 3.37 , 2 , 4.71 , 3 , .51),
and effectively made $11.24 an hour.

Wednesday, October 22

10/22 and the soul-less fish

We were really slow tonight. I got into an argument with one of our pizza makers (the only one that isn't in high school) about whether animals have souls or not. It started because they were making broad generalizations about people based on their zodiac signs. I am a Pisces and therefore love water, am psychic, and empathetic...except that I'm afraid of fish, can be completely dense, and am really empathetic (in such a way that I can see things from other people's points of view and therefore know when they're being complete morons). She asked me why I'm afraid of fish, and I said it was because they don't have souls. She went on to say that dogs and cats don't have souls, but I'm not afraid of them. Of course, I objected and this went on and on. I don't think either of us won in the end because I can't prove they have souls and she can't prove that she has one either.

Tonight I...
drove 35 miles for 5 deliveries,
averaged 25.7 miles per gallon,
worked 3.2 hours,
made $21.08 in tips (2 , 2 , 2.37 , 9.71 , 5),
and effectively made $13.51 an hour.

Monday, October 20

10/19 Stats


I had a lady who was so determined to give me a tip that after searching her house and her car came out carrying a hand full of quarters. I tried to tell her that it was all right, but she insisted and after getting a little flustered trying to count me out a couple bucks in quarters, just handed me all of it. It ended up being six bucks!

A guy put a zero on the tip line and gave me a dollar in quarters.

Last night I...
drove 43 miles for 12 deliveries,
averaged 22.7 miles per gallon,
worked 4.25 hours,
made $35.73 in tips (3.81 , 5 , 1 , 3.35 , 2 , 4 , 1.84 , 3 , 4.31 , 1.42 , 6 , 0),
and effectively made $16.76 an hour.

Saturday, October 18

10/18 Stats and 2 Bad 2 Good

Well, I locked my keys in the car again. At least this time my cell phone was in my pocket so I wasn't at the mercy of the person I delivered to. Of course, I was parked in front of a house with a couple of kids who taunted me from behind the window the entire time. The fun part is that that wasn't the first time I'd made myself look like a klutzy moron today. Earlier, I was getting a pizza out of the oven and I knocked down the big bottle of garlic sauce that was sitting on the edge of the counter (where it should not have been) and it fell and exploded garlic sauce all over the back of another girl's pants. In an ironic twist of fate, this was the same girl that happened to pick up the phone when I called to let them know that I had locked my keys in the car.

I saw a guy with a really cool earring. It looked like he had literally taken a brass screw and driven it through his ear. I would think that it would be hard to sleep on with it poking into the side of his face. He was pretty grumpy. He looked at me like I was crazy when I didn't have coins on me to give him change. He had a $17 and change bill and gave me a 20, I gave him two dollar bills back and he stared at me for like 20 seconds than said (in a very annoyed tone), "You can keep the change." Thanks, but no thanks Mr. 69-Cent-Tip.

I guess I should mention the bright spot of my day. The Indian Gentleman that works with me scolded me for dieting, telling me that I was the perfect size. The way he said it, I think he really meant it rather than just trying to give an ego-boost.

Today I...
drove 61 miles for 10 deliveries,
averaged 22.4 miles per gallon,
worked 6.5 hours,
made $25.33 in tips (3.14 , 2.5 , 1.69 , 3 , 2 , .69 , 2.94 , 2 , 3 , 4.37),
and effectively made $10.77 an hour.

Wednesday, October 15

10/15 Stats and the Country Getto

I have discovered my town's ghetto. It is slightly out of our delivery area and yet I had to deliver there twice. The house was an absolutely beat down trailer in a field with about a dozen other trailers. The skirting was kicked in, the stairs were falling apart, there was several cars in various states of decay in the yard, and at lease a dozen upturned, sun bleached, discarded toys. Inside lived an angry man who never stopped yelling (maybe at the TV, maybe at the wife and kids), two sad looking children, and one trashy looking woman with a cigarette and gnarly teeth.
I took them two pizzas and they checked them and didn't complain. Got back to the store, and there was another pizza waiting there for them. My manager said they called and said the toppings were wrong and I needed to take them the replacement pizza. I also needed to tell them that they are out of our delivery area and would have to carry out from now on.

So I drive the new pizza out to the house (which is out of our delivery area for a reason), and the first thing the lady says was, "I hope they didn't tell you that I yelled and screamed about you." I'm not sure if she was trying feel out if I spit in her food or if she knew that she had really been a bitch to my manager. I told her I was okay with the whole thing and that we figured out why her street isn't in our system, and she treated me like I had blacklisted her because she complained. Personally, I think that she wanted an extra pizza without paying for it, so she called and complained thinking that they'd send a different driver. She is responsible for the "x" in my tip section.
I had to call animal control on a couple of dogs tied up in someone's driveway.
My pen broke. The good one that clips nicely to my polo so that I don't have to keep it in my pocket. I'm hoping that I can locate all of the pieces in my car and maybe super-glue it back together.

Today I...
drove 39 miles for 5 deliveries,
averaged 25.5 miles per gallon,
worked 3 hours,
made $10.21 in tips (3 , x , .44 , 2.50 , 4.27),
and effectively made $10.22 an hour.

Sunday, October 12

10/12 What A Day

Never a dull day.

I had several giggly 15 year old girls answer the door dressed as hookers and squealing, "It's a girl driver! Oh my God, get dressed." The situation was amusing, the girls were annoying.

This guy in one of the rich neighborhoods had some sort of designer dog that looked like a horribly inbred Chow. I swear I did a double take because I thought he had a capibara that just had awesomely luxurious fur.

I locked my keys in the car and had to hoof it to the front of the neighborhood I was in while my husband came to bring me his keys. I felt like a moron, especially when one of the other delivery drivers stopped to see if they could help.

Today I...
Drove 87 miles for 18 deliveries,
Averaged 22.1 miles per gallon,
Worked 7 hours
Got $54.33 in tips (2 , 4 , 2 , 5 , 3 , 0 , .96 , 5.28 , 4 , .10 , 2.44 , 3.10 , 4.44 , 4 , 1 , 5.12 , 3 , 4)
and was effectively paid $13.47 an hour.

Saturday, October 11

10/10 and 10/11 stats

Last night I...
Drove 64 miles for 10 deliveries,
Averaged 25.1 miles per gallon,
Worked 5 hours,
Got $25.18 in tips (5 , 2 ,0 , 3.01 , 2.28 , 5.97 , 0 , 3 , 3.92 , 2.28),
and was effectively paid $10.86 per hour.

My customer of the day got $40 in pizza comped from the manager and couldn't even manage to muster a couple of bucks for a tip.

Today I...
Drove 109 miles for 24 deliveries (The big Texas v. OU game was on today. Hook em!)
Averaged 22 miles per gallon,
Worked 9 hours,
Got $66.82 in tips (0 , 3.77 , 5 , 1.25 , 2.75 , 5 , 2.28 , 2.73 , 1.15 , 0 , 2 , 9.63 , 2 , 1.53 , 6.85 , 4 , 1.18 , 0 , 3.44 , 1.91 , 2 , 1.97 , 3 , 3.38),
and was effectively paid $13.40 an hour.

My customer of the day goes to a very stoned gentlemen who was obviously just conscious enough to know that he couldn't count money if he tried and just handed me $40 for a bill that came to a little over $30 and told me to keep the change. Note to self: Volunteer to deliver on any order that includes Mountain Dew.

I burned my finger on a really hot pan coming out of the pizza oven, which I might add I should not be going near anyway as I have absolutely no training on it. I realize it is a pretty simple contraption, but for liability sake they should definitely walk everyone through and say, "Don't touch very hot things, don't run, don't flash your money around like you're in Vegas," etc.

Friday, October 10

10/9/2008 Stats

Before I give my stats I guess I should mention somewhere that I love data and graphs.  I have decided to calculate my effective wages based on the following formulas:
Wages + Tips + Mileage Reimbursement - Cost of gas = Take Home w/o Tax
12%(Wages + Tips + Mileage Reimbursement - (Difference between Mileage Reimbursement and Standard Federal Reimbursement Rate of .585 per mile)) = Taxes
Take Home w/o Tax - Taxes = Effective Pay
Effective Pay / Hours Worked = Dollars Per Hour
I should note that I make $6.00 an hour base pay and $1.20 mileage reimbursement per delivery.
Last night I...
Drove 26 miles for 5 deliveries,
Averaged 22.2 miles per gallon,
Worked 5 hours,
Got $9.42 in tips ($1.77, $2.50, $4.15, and $1 in quarters!!!!),
and was effectively paid $8.30 per hour.
Weirdest customer:  A lady with horrendous painted-on eyebrows.  I couldn't stop staring at them!

First Day on the Job

Last night was my first pizza delivery shift and besides being extremely tired, I'm kind of excited about making some extra $$$. I'm considering pretending that I'm running around with a wad of ones because I'm a stripper instead of a pizza girl (not sure if anyone would believe me though). Speaking of not being confused for a stripper, I think this is going to be extremely helpful in my weight-loss efforts because 1. I'm not vegetating on the couch watching TV and playing my Gameboy and 2. I'm pretty sure this is going to almost ruin me on pizza because the nasty puddles of grease off the pepperoni are seriously nauseating.

I only screwed up one order, I forgot a pizza (which was mislabeled) and had to drive all the way back to the store to get it and got stuck behind a train. Luckily she had already tipped with her online order. Speaking of which, I completely got cheated out of a $5 tip because if they don't put it in online they have to use cash, i.e. they can't write it on the receipt like they can at Dominos.

On the bright side, I didn't have to use my pepper spray even once.

I work again tonight, so we'll see if this gets any easier.

Wednesday, October 8

Before My First Shift

I have my first shift as a pizza girl tomorrow. I'll be working at a Corporate Chain in a suburb of Austin, Tx. I've never delivered pizza, so expect some interesting posts. Mainly I'm really interested in finding out if this is indeed profitable and if it is true that girls make better tips. I plan on chronicling how much I'm making, how much I'm spending, and weird customers I meet. Hopefully I will not be chronicling any robberies. I'm a little scared about the danger involved with the job, but my town doesn't really have any seedy neighborhoods yet, so I'm hoping I won't be one of the 9.5 out of every 100,000 food delivery people killed on the job.