Monday, December 29

12/29 Eyebrows has a Ladyfriend

It was a crazy busy Monday! I delivered to a house on an unmarked dirt road with no house numbers which was an adventure especially since my car is not designed for off-roading. I also delivered to a house whose burglar warning system consisted of a sign next to the door that said, "We don't call 911!" and had a gun (I don't know if it was a toy or not) hanging from it. For all of you not in Texas, we have a shoot-first-ask-questions-later law about shooting intruders, or intruders at your neighbor's house, or strangers on your property.

Meanwhile back at the store:
There has been this quasi-mongoloid chick hanging out at the store for the last couple of days. Before anyone gets offended by my description I will preface by saying that I don't mean this in a demeaning way but simply as a descriptor of both her physical appearance and her behavior. I first noticed her Saturday after my shift when I came to pick up my cheesesticks and I was waiting in the lobby and she was sitting there eating a burger. I thought, "Why eat a burger in the middle of a pizza place?" And then she started talking to me about where she got the burger and I was racking my brain to figure out if I knew her and why she was talking to me. She was there again tonight and I finally asked who she was and it turns out that she is Eyebrows' girlfriend. It still doesn't entirely explain why she's hanging out all the time, but God bless her for taking him off the market. As weird as she is and as much as I avoid being up front where she might talk to me about random shit, she is doing a service to humanity and for that I will tolerate her.

12/28 A Picturesque House

Last night was fairly slow. I delivered to a house just past the town cemetery that had an absolutely picturesque approach. Their drive was lined with trees in a nice neat row. The way the headlights hit was beautiful. I wished I had a camera to capture it. The house was an old-style farm house with a big black lab lounging on the porch swing.

Sunday, December 28

Sorority Ninja Pizza Girls

I don't know how else to intro this...

A short film about spies who pose as Sorority Pizza Girls to track down the bad guy done in the style of the plot bits of a porno with all of the suggestive phrases deliberately dubbed over with funny randomness.  I didn't stop laughing the entire time.

Enjoy the trailer:

12/28 Don't Call me "Man"

My worst (and therefore most interesting) delivery yesterday was to a tattooed gentlemen who only had $50s and $100s and expected me to have change.  After politely telling him that I only carry 20 in change and that his two options were to give me the money and I'll bring him back change or to phone in a credit card he decided to phone in the card.  ManWhore manager was on duty and at first things went exactly as I expected.  I'm standing quietly on the front porch during the whole thing and suddenly the conversation takes a whole different tone.  I guess ManWhore manager hit a wrong key when entering the number and the guy had to repeat it and it was still declined and at some point ManWhore manager called him "man" and the guy very angrily said, "Don't call me man.  I am sir.  I'm in public relations and you will call me sir" and hung up.  I didn't know quite how to react because I didn't know if he was going to shoot the messenger (I've found that if there is ever a problem people are happy to blame the driver regardless of the source).  Then he had me go back to the store with his 50 for change.  He did tip me $5, so I'm not complaining, the whole thing was just pretty awkward.

Friday, December 26

12/26 Never Ever Go In Someone's House

Last week I broke one of my cardinal rules of pizza delivery for a little old lady, tonight I was glad that I have that rule.  I went to a house where at least to me it seemed like an obvious lure to trap me and do God knows what.  Here are the facts and you can decide for yourself if I was in any danger.

Got to the door and a rough looking man opens it and invites me in telling me to just put the pizza on the table.
The money is laying on his dining room table.
I politely decline to come in.
He asks me the total.
I tell him.
He asks me to repeat the total and I repeat it.
He tells me to get the pizza out as he walks to the dining room table to get the money (maybe 5 feet away).
The whole time he's acting really weird, like he's disappointed that I won't come in.

At least he gave me a decent tip and reinforced my rule that no matter how nice or innocuous seeming someone is (and he definitely wasn't my definition of innocuous), never, ever go in someone's house (unless they are absolutely alone, have a broken arm, and call you mamushka).

Wednesday, December 24

Christmas Eve

Merry Christmas everybody. Even though I'm a scrooge I still hope that everyone else has a happy holidays. I only took two orders tonight. One was to the house with the enormously fat chihuahua. Last time they gave me an exact change check but this time the husband paid so I actually got a tip. They always order double bacon. The second house was quarantined for Whooping Cough. Luckily I'm vaccinated, but I am happy that it wasn't anything like viral meningitis.

Tuesday, December 23

Psst, wanna know a secret?

I was a bad PizzaGirl last night. I called in for the first time to take advantage of some much needed fun. I told them I was working late at my other job. I hope they were horribly understaffed as karmic payment for only having 5 drivers last Saturday.

Sunday, December 21

Friday, Saturday, Sunday, rinse and repeat

I've once again been a bad blogger.  Due to some personal issues I just haven't been particularly motivated, so here's some highlights.

Friday:  It was very windy.  I love the way that when the wind blows inflatable Christmas decorations dance, and sometimes dance with each other, and sometimes just look like they're doing each other.

Saturday:  I broke my don't-go-in-the-house rule for the first time.  It was a little old lady with a broken arm who had trouble enough signing the receipt and kept calling me Mamushka.  I took the pizza in and put it on the table but she wouldn't let me leave until she had given me a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

Hung out with Stoner Manager and finally got a nickname for the other manager, hereafter known as ManWhore Manager.  Anyone who had sex with a girl in the bathroom of a club deserves to be called ManWhore.

We had three drivers call in so there were only 5 of us to do Saturday night.  I ended up working 11 and a half hours and Stoner Manager ended up making deliveries we were so busy.

Tonight:  StinkyButtFace better hope that I never have nothing to lose because the first thing I'm going to do if that happens is to put my foot to his ass and laundry detergent in his gas tank.

Other Chick Driver won a key battle against Stinky.  Stinky screwed up an order and Other Chick Driver had to take out the replacement pizza and the customers wanted them to split the tip.  Of course Stinky refused but Other Chick Driver stood her ground and El Jefe made it happen.

We have two new drivers, GreaseMonkey (a girl) and DevilEyes, who I think I've managed to get on my side about Stinky.  Maybe the war isn't over yet.

I saw the most amusing and unwittingly raunchy inflatable Christmas decoration ever.  Picture Santa in his sleigh being pulled by flamingos.  The flamingos were pretty close to the sleigh and the wind blew them together and back onto Santa's lap.  So all you see is Santa kicking back in his sleigh, feet stretched out in front of him with flamingos on his lap.  To make it better the flamingos were blown between his legs so that their pink bodies were not really connected to the heads and it just looked like Santa didn't have any pants on and you were looking at his pink butt cheeks.  I took a picture with my cell phone but it isn't cooperating with me trying to get it posted.

Thursday, December 18

12/18 Tee Hee Hee Hee ***bang***

StripperGirl laughs by saying Tee hee hee, like she's trying to be impish and cute but instead just irritates the shit out of me. Somehow last night she appointed herself queen of the make-line. I'm not sure if El Jefe encouraged this or just failed to discourage it. So between drill-seargentesque "Team, let's get those pizza's in the oven" she was tee-hee-ing and I was ready to smack her and yell, "I don't know who told you that was cute, but IT IS NOT! It is annoying, it is not impish, it is not cute." Also, apparently StripperGirl's Caveman did not leave but StinkyButtFace is now avoiding him because of the danger of beatdown (Caveman's assertion, not mine). I wish Stinky was avoiding me. Luckily he had the night off last night.

Last night I...
Drove 26 miles for 6 deliveries,
Made $15.51 in tips (1.16 , 3.16 , 4 , 3 , 3 , 1.19),
and essentially made $14.14 an hour.

Wednesday, December 17

A Google Search for "Pizza Girl"

I google searched "Pizza Girl" because I have way too much time at my primary job and here are some of the funnier results:

1. A comic with a Pizza Girl Superhero character
I'm super amused because being a lame superhero was the inspiration behind my alias.

2. A craigslist rant from a former pizza girl
She has some good points! I'm always surprised when people invite me in. I'm not interested in getting murdered! Why would any rational person enter the home of a stranger? For all I know they could have a room with a floor drain and lots of saws. Didn't the Texas Chainsaw Massacre happen about 30 miles from where I live?

3. A sexy pizza girl Halloween costume
Hahahahahaha. I don't even know where to start. I bet StripperGirl owns this.

4. A poem about a pizza girl
Have you ever seen the episode of Law and Order where Neil Patrick Harris is a guy who can't get a second date so he abducts some women and lobotomizes them with a drill and boiling water?

Tuesday, December 16

12/15 A case of the Mondays

Last night was our first really cold night. It was busier than normal, yet people were tipping worse than normal. It's as if all of the cheap people in the world decided they wanted pizza, because I swear that I had at least three hand me coins as a tip. One even said, "Here's a little something for you for coming all the way out here in the cold." We had a new manager tonight, I don't know what I'll nickname him yet b/c I haven't really gotten to know him, plus Chick Manager closed so he left halfway through the evening anyway. I ended up working a little later than I meant because Goofball wanted to go home early leaving just me and Eyebrows.

Sunday, December 14

12/14 Bye Bye Bunny

Tonight I ran over a bunny. It is the first time I have ever killed something with my car. I have composed a poem in honor of the nameless bunny.

Ode to a Nameless Bunny

You would think
that God or evolution
would teach you
to look both ways.

You would think that
your greatest predator
would be alive.

I think and hope
that you did not suffer
and that wherever your soul is
there is plenty of grass
and no suburbs.

Tonight I...
Drove 25 miles for 5 deliveries,
Made $19.28 in tips (6.28 , 4 , 2 , 3 , 4),
and essentially made $17.35 an hour.

12/13 Long day

Had a long, longer than 9 hour, day today. It actually didn't seem that long until the end when it was an hour past my time to go home and El Jefe scolds me for not keeping up with the dishes. Admittedly, I deserved it, but in my defense I didn't know that it is the day drivers job to do dishes. Also, he knows and I know that Stinky won't do dishes. After I got done doing my "fair share" (Jefe's words) he cashed me out and ordered Stinky back to do some. Of course, Stinky got his hands wet and then less than a minute later was back at the driver's station. I was pretty mad, but my new policy of letting things roll off of me prevents me from saying anything at work. Stinky can dig his own holes, I don't need to dig along with him. I have faith that one day Jefe is going to work the Saturday day shift and notice that I do all of the work and that Stinky does nothing but prep. Granted, he is really good at prep, but there's only so much prep that needs to be done. Eventually, boxes will need to be folded, dishes will need to be done, things will need to be cleaned. I'd also like to add that StripperGirl's Caveman quit (or transferred. I'm not going to bother to get the details) over Stinky. I did spend Thursday evening trying to convince StripperGirl that if she was going to mess with Stinky (which I don't necessarily oppose, I just don't want to know about it or be involved) she needed to figure out how to not do permanent or costly damage (and possibly how not to go to jail).

It is now really late and I should go to bed. I'm finally unwound. It only took a Smirnoff, four hours, two episodes of Private Practice, and one of Gray's Anatomy (in which I'm pretty sure that the writers were standing around in the prop closet looking for ideas and stumbled upon a giant fan and racked their brains to come up with some way to write it into the storyline in the most ridiculous way possible) (also, I'm pretty sure that the acting is getting worse, if possible).

Tonight I...
Drove 99 miles for 14 deliveries,
Made $33.65 in tips (2 , 2.23 , 1 , 2.16 , 3 , 1.34 , 1.95 , 5 , 0 , 0 , 2.97 , 5 , 2 , 5 , 0),
and essentially made $10.42 an hour.

Saturday, December 13

I've been bad blogger this week. I worked Monday and can't remember anything that happened. Worked Wednesday an only got one (barely) acceptable tip but Stinky was off so that was nice, but StripperGirl is starting to get on my nerves. She is catty and gossipy. She claims to have this fiance that she loves so much, yet I never see her doing anything but flirting with her ex who works at the store. Thursday I got better tips but Stinky was working. This ignoring him is working a little, but we really haven't had an opportunity to butt heads yet. Guess we'll see what happens this morning. Last night was good. I hit the pizza-groove and happened to be in and out of the store at exactly the right time to pretty much always be on a run. Of course, part of the problem is when we were slow at 7 they started sending everyone home and then we got smashed. I ended up with a quad because of it and two of the four tipped decently.

Wednesday I...
Drove 27 miles for 6 deliveries,
made 10.37 in tips (0 , 3 , 1.02 , 1.10 , 0 , 3.25 , 2),
and essentially made $11.25 an hour.

Thursday I...
Drove 29 miles for 4 deliveries,
made $15.79 in tips (3 , 3 , 4.79 , 5),
and essentially made $12.03 an hour.

Last night I...
Drove 29 miles for 10 deliveries,
made $29.77 in tips (4 , 3.78 , 0 , 1.59 , .65 , 4 , 4 , 3 , 1.15 , 7.60),
and essentially made $16.76 an hour.

Monday, December 8

12/7 Closing and Another Dream

I dreamed last night that I was going into surgery and when they opened me up instead of internal organs I was full of Peppertini peppers.

I closed for the first time last night. I'm pretty good at cleaning, so the time went fast and hanging out with El Jefe wasn't bad. I decided to stay instead of going to Crazy Hippie Pizza Place. Honestly, I think I was just mad when I went and put in other applications. My new strategy is to ignore Stinky completely. I'm going to pretend like he isn't there and let all of his ridiculousness roll off me. If he continues being a butthead he's going to piss off enough other people that I won't have to worry about it.

A sampling of my tip statistics:
I receive about 30% tips $4 or above, 44% tips between $2 and $3.99, and 26% tips below $2.
So far on Wednesdays I only receive about 21% bad tips but on Saturdays I recieve about 28% bad tips.
I've averaged $13.44 an hour over all of my shifts.
**Note: As the number and variety of my shifts increases the validity of my statistics will increase.

Last night I...
Drove 63 miles for 10 delivieries,
Worked 6.75 hours,
Made $29.77 in tips (4.16 , 10 , 2.48 , 2 , 0 , 1.55 , 2.90 , 1.91 , 1.77 , 3),
and essentially made $11.48 an hour.

Sunday, December 7

12/6 A Dream and a Conundrum

Yesterday's shift went well, we were steady but not busy.  I gave notice to my boss but then kind-of took it back, so he's probably confused.  He seemed mad when I told him the reason that I'm leaving is that Stinky is an asshole.  He was probably mad because I said it just like that.

Saw the back of a row of houses reflected perfectly in their little neighborhood drainage pond **cough, cough** I mean private lake.  In that moment, it was one of the prettiest things I've seen lately.

Last night I dreamed that I was a pizza going through the oven over and and over again.

I've accepted a position at Crazy Hippie Pizza Place, but now I'm not so sure, so I've mad a pros and cons list.

Crazy Hippie Pizza Place
  • No StinkyButtFace
  • Higher base pay
  • Slower business, so less stress, more free time
  • Cool new pizza
  • Change
  • Effectively a pay cut because of slower business
  • Free time makes me clean, when I run out of cleaning free time makes me crazy
  • Further away from home
  • Don't really know the delivery area as well
  • Would have to buy my own driving record, MASPSGO, and duplicate SS card (cuz I can't find mine)
Current Pizza Place
  • Busy business keeps me busy, never run out of cleaning
  • Higher pay means less stress about money
  • Already know the delivery area
  • Like (most) of the people there already
  • I'm results driven, so I like it when it's busy and I get to make a bigger impact
  • StinkyButtFace stresses me out, a lot
  • Can be chaotic in a bad way
  • Lower starting rate means that when we're not busy I make less money
I honestly don't know what to do.

I haven't really been writing down my stats this week.  I don't know why.  Mostly because I've been too stressed out to find comfort in the numbers.  Partly because I was using a rental car until yesterday.

Wednesday, December 3

12/3 Sloooooow

Tonight was slow.  Did even bother to write down mileage.  Took 2 deliveries for $3 in tips.  Had fun hanging around the shop with Other Chick Driver, Stoner Manager, Pizza Mama, Malibu Ken, and Happy Bopper.

Interviewed to be a delivery driver at Hippie Pizza even though I had intended to apply at the other Giant Pizza Chain in town.  I'll find out tomorrow if I got the job.  Maybe if I get the job I'll tell Other Chick Driver about this blog.  She might find it amusing.  Maybe not, I tend to be a little meaner when I know that they're not going to read this.  Plus, it's hard to put into perspective changing opinions when you don't document them every time.