Thursday, July 23

7/23 Grasshopper Season

From now until the end of grasshopper season I will be volunteering to switch with the dishes person if I have trash as an end-of-night job. In the hierarchy of my irrational fears grasshoppers are only topped by zombies (junebugs are tied with grasshoppers though junebug season wasn't too bad this year). I would rather be thrown into one of those giant tropical fish exhibits at the aquarium that's been stuffed to the gills (haha) with fish the size of me before allowing a grasshopper to land on me. Fish, bugs, and zombies. I just have to deal with bugs. Fucking grasshoppers. I drove all the way home with my topper on and lit up because I was trying to get in the car as fast as possible to avoid the grasshoppers.

Other not-amusing things:
  • Went to a house in the country with a sign that said, "NO TRESPASSING - SURVIVORS PROSECUTED" then when I got to the door the guy decided to be clever and pull the "we didn't order any pizza" gag (<---just FYI, this is not funny). Also, there was a giant grasshopper on the edge of his door. I tried very calmly to ask him to please not shoo it towards me as it was likely that I would drop the pizza in an attempt to save myself (from what I don't know. Hey, I said it was irrational!)
  • The guy that always always tips a dollar. He always has a coupon; always puts it on his credit card; always has a half-ashed cigarette dangling from his mouth.
  • The guy who couldn't fit through the door and stiffed me. Now don't get me wrong, I have nothing against fat people, I'm not the fittest person myself, but to deliver pizza to someone who is so wide that they can't fit through the door is disheartening. I guess he can't afford a tip because he spends all his fucking money on food.

Things that were amusing or at least not not amusing (I can haz colleege dehgree now? lol):

  • The smell of pizza. After almost a week without it I walked in and was in heaven. I miss the smell of pizza when I'm gone.
  • Props to Day Driver, J/K, and Gelwyn for keeping up. Malibu Ken called in sick and we were pretty busy but we didn't bicker, we didn't waste time, we got the pizza out to the hungry masses.

I made $42 off 13 deliveries. To give you some idea of how shitty that is, that means I averaged a little over $2 per tip (a completely unacceptable amount).


Chad said...

I too hate grasshoppers. They haven't been so bad in recent years, but I remember not wanting to leave the house in the summer because the porch had 3 or 4 on every square foot. And there will always be at least one that manages to jump at your face, into your shirt, or up your shorts.

damn, evil, stupid things. I hate them only slightly less than yellow jackets.

Anonymous said...

Umm....thats almost 3.25 a delivery. Aside from that, are you including your stores mandatory delivery fee?

Unknown said...

To annonymous: My total money is the amount of cash I walk out of the store with at the end of the night. It includes $1.10 (I round down to $1 for most reporting purposes) that I receive for gas and maintenance reimbursement out of the delivery fee. I do not include that $1 in my average tip because it is not money that the customer gave me, it is the company reimbursing me. The delivery fee does not replace the tip and the tip should not be lowered because of it.

Unknown said...

I spend my food money on food, my fucking money I spend on...