Tuesday, February 10

2/9 A Eulogy (of sorts)

We were slowish last night, so instead of writing about my five boring deliveries I offer a eulogy (of sorts) for StinkyButtFace:

StinkyButtFace was a terrible person. I will not miss his scowl when things weren't going his way. I will not miss his smirk when he has gleefully ruined the day of another driver, bopper, or manager. I will not miss getting my runs stolen or listening to customers complain about how unintelligible he is on the phone. I will not miss him flying off the handle and threatening people. I will not miss the way that he would race from the back of the store to the front every time the phone rang just so that he could make sure to mis-quote the price to the customer and therefore guarantee himself a bigger tip. But most of all, I will not miss they way that he would only cut his slices out of the crew-pie on Saturday mornings, leaving the rest of the pizza uncut and polluting our delicious extra-meaty slices with his onions and bell peppers.

StinkyButtFace, wherever you are, you are not missed. I hope that you never get a delivery job again. I hope that you are miserable and that whoever you are inflicting your misery on at home gets fed up with it and leaves you. Most of all, I hope that you don't go crazy and decide to shoot up and/or bomb the store because I'm there six days a week and therefore likely to die.

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