Traded shifts with Gelwyn, our newest chick driver (shoutout to my Twitter-friend Jerad for helping me come up with a nickname for her). The deliveries themselves weren't that intersting. I made a decent amount of money, didn't get stiffed, and ended up spending a good amount of time overhearing Thing 1 & 2 and Whiner discussing the merits of one weed dealer over another.
We have a new delivery script; something we're supposed to say in its entirety at every door. In order to get the full effect you have to imagine me at my perkiest, beyond perky, every upper-management/marketer's jizz-in-their-pants perfection of a delivery driver. We have a poster up on the wall that has a picture of a guy doing all of the uniform things wrong contrasted with the same guy dressed exactly to dress-code (it's amazing how they manage to turn one guy into both a hot slacker-dude and a guy resembling Robot Bopper). I am the good angel version in this scenario. It goes something like this (with my comment's of course):
Hello, (Smile/Eye Contact) One or the other but not both.
[Pizza Chain] delivery for [Mrs. Smith]. Ugh. No comment.
You ordered a [large pepperoni pizza]. I have double checked your order to make sure it is accurate and complete. I have, but then again who am I trying to convince that I know how to do my job? Plus, this is sooooo marketing-speak. Drivers don't talk like this.
With a delivery time of [30 minutes],
Your total is only [$14.89]. I have no idea what your delivery time is. I know what the time was when I clocked it out. I might be able to guess how long after that I left the store and how long the drive was, but if you're not my first delivery of the run, forget it. Love the idea of telling them their delivery is only $24.xx for one medium pizza (which happened to me yesterday).
Your change is [$1]
Thank you for the tip. I always thank them if they give me a tip but with a simple and sincere thank you and eye contact.
Here is your order, be careful the box is hot. Just in case the need someone to state the obvious.
Don't forget the coupons on the top of the box for your next order and check out pizzachain.com for some great online deals. As a customer, at this point, I have my pizza, I've paid, I've tipped (b/c I'm a good customer), now get the FUCK off my porch!
I really do appreciate your business, enjoy your [Pizza Chain] pizza. Hope to see you again real soon. Goobye. Previous comment + who didn't take freshman comp? Really?! You really do appreciate my business? I'm really glad that you've really assured me of your real sincerity by saying really (twice). I'm glad that you really want to see me again real soon instead of just far-away soon.
Taking bets now on exactly how many times I say this entire thing. My bet = 0