I found @ajathefairy doing my normal twitter search on pizza delivery. I think she tweeted about a delivery. I'm always happy to find a fellow pizza-girl, so I asked her to do a guest blog for me. So without for further ado...
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Thanks to @apizzagirl for inviting me to guest blog and bringing me into the group. I am very happy that she found me and reached out. I had no idea there was a world of drivers out there swapping pizza war stories. Diary of Pizza Girl is now my favorite thing.
First, a little about me. My first job at 18-years-old was phone girl at a pizza place. It didn’t take me long to realize being a driver is way better than being a phone girl. I like that I’m usually the only girl on the driving team (big fat lesbian women who act like men don’t count). It’s the job I always come back to when my insecurities stop me from taking the big leaps in life.
I graduated with from a Texas university last month, bringing my total number of college degrees to three (B.B.A. + 2 A.A. degrees). I was the student leader of the year and editor-in-chief of the student newspaper at my local community college. I have a long list of academic achievements, plenty of business experience, y yo hablo Español. My state senator once told me he hoped I would replace him when he retires.
And here I am….delivering pizzas. I came back to it exactly two weeks before graduation. I am learning a new area with hundreds of cul-de-sacs and stop lights. After only a month of using it, I can’t remember what I did all those years without GPS. The truth is I have not even applied to a ‘real job’ because of how much I enjoy what I am doing. OK, maybe not the washing every dish in the store when closing or driving to the edge of our area to get stiffed parts, but there’s good stuff, too. I get to work with my two best friends, Shakira and my 2004 Olds Alero.
After a year-and-a-half hiatus, the last six weeks have not just been a job but an adventure. Most of the places I go to are worth a lot of money, but last Friday I got stuck in the mud going to Deliverance country where the woman who stiffed me weighed 700 lbs and couldn’t even get off the couch. Boy did she stink! There were no paved roads or street lights and the mud came up to my socks when I got out of the car. It was so dark I almost broke an ankle while trying to get through all the junk in the yard. When I finally got back in the car, it had sunk too far to move. The people in the house just stared at me as I struggled for a good four minutes trying to get the car unstuck. I wasn’t worried; my Alero never lets me down. I closed the store taking 15 deliveries and walking away with only $64. Just when you think it can’t get any worse….
On Saturday, the manager sent every other driver home by 8:30p. At 9:30p I was on a double when I got locked inside a parking lot. I delivered to a female ‘security guard’ who pushed a button from inside a building to lift the mechanical arm and let me in the lot. When the tiny black girl with 6-inch fake nails walked out of the building to stiff me, she locked herself out of the office. There was no way to raise the mechanical arm to let me out. She kept saying, “Sorry, I don’t even know who to call.” I was there for a good twenty-five minutes and just about to call the police to report a kidnapping when some off duty employee happen to come by the office for some paperwork. He swiped his card to let me out. I still don’t think my manager believes me about that one. I took 18 deliveries that night and only walked away with $54. Half of it (no kidding, $23) was in change that my manager wouldn’t accept.
Sunday I was planning to enjoy my day off by sleeping as long as I could. I awoke to the sound of my cell phone at noon. Bad news, three drivers called in sick, please come to work NOW! I thought I would be helping just for the rush. 8 Hours later they were giving me a prep assignment.
Just a typical weekend…
5 comments:
In order to 'count', would the "big fat lesbians who act like men" need to be shorter, thinner, and heterosexual, or would 2 out of 3 be sufficient?
Pizza peeps just keep popping up around here. Nice write up. You and apizzagirl are such good writers. I love how you two draw me into the story. See ya ladies around Twitterville.
Julia: You have a good point. I probably should have edited that bit out, but it was her blog not mine. :)
Haha!! I am so glad I said something that got a rise. I was afraid my first try at a blog would go without notice. FYI..I am fat. Very fat. Diagnosed as morbidly obese fat. What I said was not exactly as offensive as it first sounds. I did not say there was anything wrong with being a big fat lesbian who acted like a man, just that she doesn't count as a girl on the team.
The point of the big fat lesbian who acts like a man is that she doesn't want to be counted as a girl. That is why she acts like a man. She is in fact, 'one of the guys,' thereby making me the only girl on the team. My current big fat lesbian who acts like a man coworker is in fact the fastest driver on our team. Also the meanest and most vulgar.
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